It Doesn't Matter
by margie
Summary: **Complete** B/S meet for the first time since Seeing Red. Lyrics by Face to Face from The Devil You Know (God is a Man) again on the BTVS soundtrack.
1. It Doesn't Matter

Disclaimer: Own nothing. Joss owns all.  
  
Lyrics from It Doesn't Matter by Allison Kraus. All lyrics are proceeded with a ~.  
  
**************************************************************************** **********  
  
Buffy was shivering. The night was chilly even for autumn. She pulled her coat closer as she made her way through the cemetery. Patrol was dead. No pun intended. She hadn't met with a single vamp or nasty the whole night. Inevitably she found herself standing in front of his crypt. Or at least what used to be his crypt.  
  
She stared at the ornate entrance. The door she had flung open countless times over the past years. She threw the door open once again, entering the crypt. Clem had left months ago to return to his own place.  
  
She looked around her to see that everything was still in its place. It was as if he would be back any minute having just stepped out for a smoke. She thought back to the night she'd found out he was gone. She had come with Dawn and found only Clem. No explanation. No good-byes. Just an empty crypt and no promise to return.  
  
She sat in her usual place in his ratty lounger. Breathing in the faded scent of him. There were candles everywhere. She refused to light them, not wanting any other scents to intrude on what little she had left of him. She came after every patrol, almost as if he were still here. She missed him. Wanted to know where he had gone and why.  
  
~ It doesn't matter what I want.  
  
~ It doesn't matter what I need.  
  
~ It doesn't matter if I cry,  
  
~ Don't matter if I bleed.  
  
~ You've been on a road  
  
~ Don't know where it goes or where it leads.  
  
She bent her head remembering the night before his departure. Is that why he had gone? The bruises had faded by the next morning. The bruises that he had inflicted. She shook her head, trying to rid herself of the memory. She didn't know how to wrap her mind around it. Didn't know how to react. It had been months, but she hadn't yet found closure. Maybe that was because he vanished before she could.  
  
Would she have stopped him if she had known? She knew now that there was something missing from her life. Something that she hadn't realized had become a part of her. Not until he was gone. Would she have known then? Would she have known enough to stop him, even after what he had done? Maybe it wasn't even about her. Maybe he just finally wanted to be free. Free of her, free of Sunnydale, free of what he had become.  
  
~ It doesn't matter what I want.  
  
~ It doesn't matter what I need.  
  
~ If you've made up your mind to go  
  
~ I won't beg you to stay  
  
~ You've been in a cage  
  
~ Throw you to the wind you'll fly away  
  
She could feel the tears sting her eyes. What if he had gone to be free? Was he out there somewhere seeking away to return to his old self? If he came back, would she be able to do her duty? She used to threaten him with it often enough. But could she really?  
  
She had finally admitted to him that she had feelings for him. That night. The night before he left. That she cared for him, even if it wasn't love. Could she slay someone that she had feelings for? She had done it once before, but could she again? She was getting tired of all the self- sacrifice. Even when she made the biggest sacrifice of all, they still couldn't let her rest.  
  
He understood. She knew that if he had found out what they were up to he never would have let them bring her back. No matter how much he wanted them to. He loved her. She didn't doubt that now. That's what made reconciling their last night together so hard. He loved her, she knew. But he was still a demon. There was still a demon within him. Even if it didn't always control him.  
  
~ It doesn't matter what I want.  
  
~ It doesn't matter what I need.  
  
~ It doesn't matter if I cry,  
  
~ Don't matter if I bleed.  
  
~ Feel the sting of tears  
  
~ Fallin' on this face you've loved for years.  
  
She was openly weeping now. Curled up on his lounger she didn't hear the sounds of the crypt door opening. Didn't see the look of longing mixed with self-hatred on the intruder's face.  
  
"Buffy." 


	2. Pain

Disclaimer: Own nothing. Joss owns all.  
  
Lyrics from Pain by Four Star Mary. All lyrics are proceeded with a ~.  
  
**************************************************************************** **********  
  
Spike drove endlessly on. He felt as if he had been driving for years when he knew it had only been a little over a week. He would drive all night, hole up in a motel during the day and then drive all night again. He didn't know what he would say or do when he got there, but he couldn't help feeling restless and antsy. He needed to be there, now.  
  
His mind had been replaying the last five years of his unlife since the day of his 'restoration'. How had things turned out this way?  
  
~ feeling I've been lost for years  
  
~ you can never understand me  
  
~ unless you've seen those tears  
  
~ but you never get to sleep  
  
~ when I'm away  
  
~ I don't mind  
  
~ the deeper that you lay  
  
~ out of time  
  
Buffy. He knew the answer. The second he met her she had turned his unlife upside down. She was the first Slayer he couldn't kill. The first Slayer he would die to protect.  
  
He thought back to that night. He hadn't protected her then. Hadn't been able to keep his promise to her. She died to save Dawn because he couldn't. Died to save the world. Again. He still had nightmares. Could still see her body falling through the air. Crashing painfully to the ground. Lying broken and still.  
  
~ pain, I can't sleep  
  
~ pain, I can't sleep  
  
He loved her. When he first realized what it was. What the feelings crashing through him meant. He didn't know how to react. Didn't know what to do. He had never felt that kind of intensity before. Scared wasn't exactly the right word for his reaction to the revelation of being in love. More like confused and angry.  
  
He was the Big Bad! Not some pouf. He didn't…couldn't…love a slayer. She must have done something to him. Must of thrown some mojo his way. Willow did it once. Made them snog all day thinking they were in love.  
  
~ running, running from those days  
  
~ there's another one inside me  
  
~ guess I've gone insane  
  
~ but you always run away  
  
~ when I come around  
  
~ I don't mind  
  
~ the day I'll track you down  
  
~ run you down  
  
After awhile his realization became an obsession. He wanted her to love him back. Needed her to feel the same intensity. He didn't know how to make that happen. Didn't know anything but the violence that he'd known since his 'rebirth'. Then it came to him. Or rather, she came to him.  
  
Drusilla. His dark princess. What better way to show the slayer his sincerity? His devotion to her? By killing the one thing that has meant anything to him. Until her that is.  
  
But even that ended up badly. Not only was she repulsed by him, but she uninvited him! She locked him out of her home. Out of her life. And the worst part? She pitied him. He saw it in her eyes.  
  
~ pain, I can't sleep  
  
~ pain, I can't sleep  
  
When she came back. When they forced her back. She was different. Void. That was the word he was looking for. Like a gigantic black hole. She wouldn't let anything out. No anger, no joy, no sorrow. She couldn't even tell her mates the truth.  
  
He wanted so bad to make her feel. Make her release just a piece of what she was holding in. They fought. They kissed. They fought. They shagged. But at least she was feeling something. She was angry. She was passionate.  
  
But in the end he had it all wrong. In the end he was killing her. Strange to have the one thing you dreamed and desired be flung at you. He had wanted to kill her. It had been his driving obsession. Until she became his driving obsession.  
  
~ don't stop, don't talk  
  
~ do not fuck with me  
  
~ don't stop, don't talk  
  
~ do not fuck with me  
  
That night came crashing back. He still reeled from the shame. He had seen her eyes. Had seen her distrust and smelled her fear. Ask him again how she could ever love him? He closed his eyes briefly. That was the night he had had the second revelation of his unlife.  
  
She was right. He was a monster.  
  
~ loaded, loaded up this gun  
  
~ there's a killer in me  
  
~ hoping, hope that you're the one  
  
~ but you always run away  
  
~ when I come around  
  
~ I don't mind  
  
~ the day I'll track you down  
  
~ and terrify  
  
When he opened his eyes he saw the "Welcome to Sunnydale" sign zoom by. He was back. Now what? Could she forgive him? Could he ask her to? Did he deserve it?  
  
~ pain, I can't sleep  
  
~ pain, I can't sleep  
  
~ pain, I can't sleep  
  
He entered his crypt slowly. Surprised to see the slight form before him. Her shoulders were shaking and he could hear her sharp intake of breath as she wept.  
  
He felt that familiar stab of pain in his chest as he watched her. Was she remembering that night?  
  
"Buffy." 


	3. The Devil You Know

Disclaimer: Own nothing. Joss owns all.  
  
Lyrics from The Devil You Know (God is a Man) by Face to Face. All lyrics are proceeded with a ~.  
  
**************************************************************************** **********  
  
  
  
"Spike."  
  
~ God is a man  
  
He was here. He looked different. Tired. Was it really him? She stood and wiped away the remaining tears. Her feet were rooted to the ground. She wanted to go to him. Touch him. Just to make sure that he was real. But she couldn't.  
  
Gods she was beautiful. It felt like it'd been years since the last time he'd seen her. He could see her trembling, her cheeks still wet. He wanted to go to her and comfort her. But he was the one that had made her cry. He knew that. He ran his hand through his hair and took a deep breath.  
  
"Buffy I…" He turned away from her. "I'm sorry."  
  
He had wanted to be a bit more articulate. But at the moment that was all he could choke out. He forgot how the sight of her affected him.  
  
~ It's alright  
  
~ everything is fine  
  
~ live the perfect life  
  
~ never one immoral thought inside your mind  
  
She stared at him. Her mind was teeming with thoughts, but she couldn't yet put them in any kind of coherent order. Why did he make her feel so…so explosive? Whenever he was around it was like he infected her. He made everything she was feeling triple in intensity. Whether it was anger, fear, or even…affection?  
  
So, he was sorry. She had so many emotions crashing through her she didn't know which one was attached to his apology.  
  
"Xander found me. After. Saw the bruises." She saw his face contort at the memory of what he had done to her.  
  
~ what they said  
  
~ does it make you feel ashamed  
  
~ Isn't everyone the same  
  
~ doesn't matter that it wasn't your idea  
  
"Well if the whelp didn't hate me 'fore…" He hated himself. Apologize? He could never make it right. Why did he come back? But he already knew the answer. He couldn't stay away.  
  
~ god is a man  
  
~ you know for sure  
  
~ the knowledge in and of itself is more than we deserve  
  
"Buffy…If you want me to go…I mean if you can't stand the sight of me…I understand…"  
  
Now he's talking about leaving again? Anger slammed into her. Unconsciously her hands balled into fists. "So what? You're just going to leave now? Just came to say good-bye since you didn't bother four months ago?" She was shouting now. She couldn't hold it in anymore. She rushed him. Her fist connecting with his jaw.  
  
She was attacking him. He saw the fury in her eyes and knew he deserved it. He didn't bother to defend himself. He just stood and took the beating. By now he was on the ground with her straddling his hips. She was pounding on his face. Shouting. Angry.  
  
~ so you tried  
  
~ you've made up your mind  
  
~ but something's still not right  
  
~ the devil you don't know is still outside  
  
Suddenly she tensed. Her eyes lost focus as she remembered a night just like this. A night where she had beat him almost to dust and then left him without a backward glance. She looked down. He was bleeding. His lip had been cut open and a bruise was already forming on the underside of his jaw.  
  
All the energy drained out of her and she collapsed on top of him. He could feel the hot tears as they hit his chest and he wrapped his arms around her shuddering body.  
  
"Shhh, luv. S'okay. I deserved it." He rubbed her back whispering assurances to her.  
  
~ what they said  
  
~ does it make you feel ashamed  
  
~ isn't everyone the same  
  
~ doesn't matter that it wasn't your idea  
  
What had she done? Why could she never control herself around him? "Spike." It came out as an almost whisper. "I'm so sorry. God." She was sitting up now. Her face buried within her slender hands.  
  
"Shhh, luv. It's not your fault. I'm the Big Bad, remember? I deserve it."  
  
"No!" Quieter now. "No. Nobody deserves that Spike. Not even you. Not now. Not…not…before." That was the closest Buffy had come to apologizing for that night. Though deep down she knew that it wasn't really enough, she couldn't yet bring herself to say more.  
  
~ god is a man  
  
~ you know for sure  
  
~ the knowledge in and of itself is more than we deserve  
  
"Buffy." Spike sighed deeply. He sat up with her and took her hand. "I hurt you. I said I never would. And I did. I deserve whatever you want to throw at me." He was absently massaging the palm of her hand with his thumb as he spoke.  
  
~ god is a man  
  
~ you know for sure  
  
~ the knowledge in and of itself is more than we deserve  
  
She felt some of the tenseness leave as he languidly ran his thumb over her lifeline. She looked up at him to see that he was facing away. Unable to look her in the eye. She reached out to take hold of his chin and turned him to face her.  
  
"Spike. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the way I've treated you. For…for using you. For hurting you." It was Buffy's turn to look away. Her breath was coming in shallow pants. And her eyes were threatening to spill yet again.  
  
~ what they said  
  
~ does it make you feel ashamed  
  
~ isn't everyone the same  
  
~ doesn't matter that it wasn't your idea  
  
God he loved her. Could they ever be anything to each other? Could she ever look at him without anger or fear?  
  
"I love you." He knew he didn't deserve to have her. "But I know I can't be forgiven. I know – "  
  
~ god is a man  
  
~ you know for sure  
  
~ the knowledge in and of itself is more than we deserve  
  
"No Spike." She put her hand to his lips. Stopping the rest of his thought. She shook her head, letting her hand fall back to her lap.  
  
His heart sank. This was it. She couldn't forgive him. He would leave the next day. At least he was able to see her again. To tell her how sorry he was. How out of his mind he had been. She deserved better than rot like him anyway.  
  
~ god is a man  
  
~ you know for sure  
  
~ the knowledge in and of itself is more than we deserve  
  
"I think…I think we both need time. I need to forgive you. And you need to forgive me." She stood up to go. Looking back down she whispered to him. "Please don't leave."  
  
~ it's more than we deserve  
  
~ it's more than we deserve  
  
~ it's more than we deserve  
  
Spike sat in the darkened crypt alone. He wanted so badly to run after her. But he wouldn't. He would give her time. And then he would tell her. Tell her that he will always love her, body and soul. 


End file.
